By Ken Lin, MSW Intern
It can be the slightest glance or a tiny disagreement over dinner. Maybe your career or significant other has become the topic of discussion. No matter your culture or faith during these winter months, family can become a major source of stress and annoyance as we bundle up and spend more time with the people closest to us. This time of year is especially difficult for people with families or close relationships that are complex, culturally and generationally layered, or full of history.
Why is family time so hard?
Family systems are where we learn our most basic scripts. This could look like our frameworks for love, communication under pressure, and attachment. They are learned so early that they stick with us into adulthood. Additionally, trauma and mental illness have been shown in research to be passed down from generation to generation via gene expression. These early environments are so often where we also suffer our own traumas and wounds. Spending time within a family environment can light up the same pathways in our brain and body that were carved earlier in our lives and even in our DNA before we were born. That means old roles, memories, emotions, and expectations can all be reactivated even after years of work.
It can be easy for these relationships and interactions to become triggers while we gather with loved ones during the holidays. For those of us who struggle with our mental health, spending time with family can turn nourishing moments into moments of crisis or huge waves of emotion. Sometimes this can lead to feeling trapped or overwhelmed. These moments can turn into perfect opportunities to practice the skills you might be learning in therapy. Even if you aren’t set off by family, being around family can prompt you to reflect more deeply on yourself. Either way, this season can be challenging and a load on your nervous system.
How do I get through this season?
At Zane Counseling, our clinicians have plenty of clinical and personal experience working with family dynamics and these precious, cold months. Here are a few gems of knowledge I’ve gathered from them for this time of year:
- Prepare up front.
If you know that a trip back home or big gathering might overwhelm you, it may be best to prepare as if it will happen. Note what kind of topics of discussion, phrases, or patterns are typically hard for you. Acknowledge they may well happen and think of coping skills that have worked for you before.
- Don’t let a wave of emotion surprise you. Name it as it rises.
Because you’ve prepared, a triggering moment or tough interaction with a family member should be less surprising. As you become overwhelmed, you may get the urge to act quickly, like lashing out angrily, or shutting down. Name the feelings as they happen; that you’re feeling anger, sadness, annoyance, grief, or something else. Naming emotions instead of immediately acting on them gives you power.
- Stay attuned to your body and nervous system. You can step away.
Find grounding or breathing techniques and other coping skills that prioritize the safety you feel in your body and nervous system. These are probably skills you’ve been learning in therapy – box breathing, ice on the back of the neck, or engaging your 5 senses are common techniques. Tending to your nervous system will help you cope with your emotions. Remember that if you continue to feel overwhelmed, you can always step away from the situation.
- Let the moment be imperfect.
If social time this holiday season isn’t completely joyful or close, it may feel like the time was a failure. Instead of needing this time to be seamless, try the mindfulness technique of radical acceptance; allow yourself to exist in whatever moment you inhabit without judgement. Allowing yourself to embrace friction and messiness with human connection may open up space for authenticity.
- If it feels within reach, find a way to communicate during or after conflict.
If both parties are open enough, it may be worth it to name the conflict as it happens or after the fact. Naming what was true for you during conflict and explaining how you felt may often open doors for repair within close relationships. Use plenty of “I” statements and navigate boundary-setting constructively if it feels possible.
- Live within your values.
When other people won’t live by them, remember that you can live aligned with the values you hold close. Whether these values are integrity, patience, compassion, or self respect, returning to the values that guide you can feel better than feeling stuck in survival mode.
Just remember going into this season that love and boundaries can always coexist. There isn’t a perfect way to go through these cold months and “get it right” with family; as long as you are choosing presence, attuning to yourself, and noticing your own patterns with care, the time and season will always pass. Maybe the question isn’t just how to survive stressful family time, but how to stay close to who you are right now while being next to an older version of yourself. As you live into these moments, allow them to be your teacher. You’ll always be enough.
